I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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