I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
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