pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
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This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
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A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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