I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Randomize
