So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
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