FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
