We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
