come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
