11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
