I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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