This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
We are all done wearing pants today
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
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