I didn't shave. On purpose
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
