I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
