Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
