the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
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