i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
