Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
