I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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