Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
