a queef is a wish your heart makes.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
