apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
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