i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
