Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
