His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
