She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
