So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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