I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Randomize
