i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Randomize
