Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Randomize
