We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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