maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
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Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
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When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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