I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
