ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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