just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
