I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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