mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
