hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
