i just wanna soil my oats bro
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
