im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
it was like having sex with a tree stump
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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