I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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