I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
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