I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
