If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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