I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
