i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
