dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
ttyl tear gas
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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