Just mADE A PArabola og urine
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
