The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Randomize
