my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
