i wish starbucks made bloody marys
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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