Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
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