It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Randomize
