awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
