I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
