everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
it was like eating out sand paper
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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