Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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