It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
