Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
